


99.8%

by phanqueray



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: AU, Angst, Attempt at Humor, Black Mirror - Freeform, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hang the DJ, M/M, Phan - Freeform, alternative universe, hang the dj au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-08
Updated: 2018-01-08
Packaged: 2019-03-02 04:06:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13310073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phanqueray/pseuds/phanqueray
Summary: Dan and Phil are part of the 'System', where they are set up with different people and are given a duration for their relationship. They begin to question the cleverness of it.(AKA a Hang the DJ au)





	99.8%

  1. _Panic on the streets of London. Panic on the streets of Birmingham._



 

“Deep breaths.” Phil tells himself, looking at the intersection Coach brought him to. A few restaurants were lined up, some people coming in and out of every one. Phil gets a device from his pocket, it was a touch sensitive circular object. He trusts it with  _ everything _ .

“Coach?”

The black screen lights up, accompanied with a robotic voice that says, “Yes?”, almost immediately.

“Where do I go?”

“Proceed to the Hub.”

Phil looks around, eyebrows furrowed. He reads each restaurant name carefully before landing on the one where he’s supposed to go. He lifts Coach up again, muttering a small “Thanks.” before shoving it back in his pocket.

He’s incredibly nervous, and anyone can tell.

When he goes inside, he flusteredly gets Coach again.

“Hello, Philip.” It lights up.

“W-What booth?” Phil stumbles in his words, even if the device wasn’t sentient. He gulps. That can’t be a good sign.

“Booth 9, Philip.” 

“Yeah.” Phil sighs, hiding Coach once he sees that his date was waiting for him.

“Hi.” Phil says, pretending not to notice his date scramble and hide his own coach. He smiles, releasing a sigh he tries to hide. 

He stands up and extends his arm, almost tripping at the movement. He reciprocates the smile and Phil can’t help but notice he has dimples. He can’t help but notice that it’s cute.

“Hi.” His date says, a bit too loudly. 

“I’m Phil.”

They shake hands. 

“Dan.” He says after a quite long pause. 

They sit down.

Dan has straightened hair, draping down and covering almost half of his forehead and a tiny part of his eye. Phil has an urge to push it away but he doesn’t want to be creepy. Dan’s staring at him.

“What?” Phil says, suddenly self conscious before realizing that’s what Dan probably felt.

“I feel like I’m being analyzed.”

Phil apologises and silence falls on them for a second or two.

“I’m sorry,” Dan says. Before Phil could ask him why, he continues with a “It’s my first time in the System.”

Phil grins. “Really?”

Dan nods.

“Me too.”

After those 2 words, Dan immediately lights up. Most of their awkwardness evaporates. At first it was someone new meeting their first date, now it’s a pair of clueless adults in a booth. Phil leans in, wanting to get closer but doesn’t want to go into Dan’s personal space. His worry disappears when Dan leans in too.

“The System is crazy, right?” Dan half-whispers, looking at the guard dressed in black behind him.

“Bat-shit crazy!”

Dan bites his finger. “Right? I’m quite excited for tonight.”

“Same.” Phil mutters.

He won’t usually get this comfortable this fast with someone he just met but for some reason, this whole situation feels natural, replayed, familiar. Dan makes this whole futuristic situation feel real. Sometimes he forgets that the other people here are people, they definitely don’t feel like it. Dan sounds like someone he’s got all figured out yet when he thinks about him, he’s still a stranger. 

Phil bites his lip out of habit and their food arrives.

“We haven’t ordered an--”

Dan’s Coach lights up, “Meals are pre ordered.”

Phil cocks his head. “Alright.”

A pause.

“Is Dan short for something?”

Dan looks at him, chewing before he answers. “Daniel.” 

Phil nods.

A pause. “I’m guessing Phillip?”

Phil smiles. “My mum wanted to be unique. Instead of 2 L’s, she opted for just one. So I’m less of a ‘lip’ more of an ‘ip’ type of guy.”

He might hate silence, but he sucks at conversation. His jokes often fell flat, making people look at him in a way. He expects Dan to do the same, to furrow his eyebrows and frown at Phil’s silliness. He doesn’t do that, in fact, he does the complete opposite: he laughs, and Phil laughs with him.

“Alright,” Dan manages to say through all his giggles.

 

After dinner, Coach tells them to proceed to outside the Hub. 

“Your car is arriving shortly.” Coach tells them.

Phil watches as their car stops in front of them. It looked like a golf cart, except there was no driver. They get inside and it starts to move. Phil is surprised when their trip started, grabbing onto Dan’s arm for support and being incredibly red afterwards.

 

“Oh,” Dan says, putting his hand on Phil’s. “We forgot one thing.”

Phil turns to him. “Did you leave something in the restaurant?”

_ Did Dan have a bag? _ Phil thinks to himself. He’s not an observant person.

“No, but, um, I think we have to check our expiry date?”

Phil nods, getting Coach from his pocket. Dan does the same. They face each other, Phil biting his lip again. 

“Where is it?”

“I think it’s under--” Phil swipes through the black screen “--info. Here we go.” He shows Dan his screen as a guide.

  
  


Press to Reveal Expiry.

  
  


“We have to do it at the same time.”

“On three?” Dan suggests.

Phil agrees. They count together and tap at the same time.

  
  


24 Hours.

24:59:59

  
  


“Oh wow.”

“A day.” Phil says, “Is that short?”

He doesn’t say enough.

Dan shrugs, reverting back to his old position. They’re surrounded by silence again but Phil doesn’t mind. They’re staring at the enormous wall they’re passing. 

“Do you think there’s anything out there?” Dan whispers, as if their nonexistent driver could hear them.

Phil stares at the ivory barricade, mouth agape. His lips tug up as he readies himself a joke. 

“Zombies.” He deadpans. 

He manages to keep his straight face for a few seconds, staring into Dan’s pressed lips. He’s trying his best to suppress his laughter but he fails. He laughs, a loud and oblivious laugh that gets silenced by the sky, and by Dan’s unimpressed face.

For a moment, Phil’s heart drops, thinking he screwed this up, even before they get to their cabin, but Dan giggles a little after. They’re laughing together and, before they could stop, the car stops.

“Is this ours?” Phil asks, looking at the modern house.

“Yes, Philip.” Coach responds.

They get out and examine their cabin, Cabin 1019.

“But really,” Dan says in front of their door.

“What, you mean seriously?” Phil jokes, receiving a light punch in the arm. “I don’t think there’s anything. Our whole world is the System.”

Dan only nods. They look at their door and the pad beside it lights up. Hand scanner.

“Do you wanna open it?” Dan says, his hands in his coat pockets.

“Why not?” Phil almost puts his hand on the scanner before Dan’s beat his.

“Too slow!” Dan shouts, childlike.

Suddenly, they’re giggling again.

 

The lounge has a sofa accompanied with a fireplace. Next to it is the kitchen, acting as a bridge to the bedroom and bathroom. The place is nice, like a hotel suite or something you’d rent in a resort. It feels like a house, just not a home.

They have a debate on who’s gonna sleep on the couch before settling for both of them in the king size bed. They both stare at the ceiling, quiet and barely touching. 

“The System’s crazy.” Phil whispers.

Dan chuckles. “Yeah.” A pause. “But it makes sense.”

“What do you mean?” But Phil knows what he means, he just wants Dan to talk. They have an entire day ahead of them. Phil’s eager to get to know him in that short amount of time. 

“We had so many choices then,” he starts, “Like, so many. So much that we freeze and have this--” He makes hand gestures in the air. “--thing, like, we can’t pick because we have so many choices.” 

Phil looks at Dan even if it’s dark.

“Do you get what I mean?”

Phil smiles and nods.

Now, they’re holding hands.

  
  


  1. _Hopes may rise on the Grasmere. But Honey Pie, you’re not safe here._



 

Their relationship goes by faster than Dan wanted. They got breakfast and chatted about aliens. They got lunch and talked about cereal. Dan felt happy and he didn’t think about their expiry until Coach dinged, 2 full minutes left in their encounter.

They’re outside their cabin, locked outside and doomed for separation. Dan doesn’t think about the small ache in the back of his head, the feeling of wanting them to meet again.

He almosts hates Coach for not making Phil his soulmate, but he doubts that’ll do him any good. Coach will probably just send the army of bodyguards at his house and tase him to death for not cooperating with the System.

“This was nice,” Dan starts their farewell, putting his hands in the pockets of the coat he wore the night before. Phil smiles and Dan’s heart pretends not to flutter.

“It was.” Phil says, grabbing Dan’s hand. “I’m glad you were my first.”

Dan tries to stop himself from laughing, pulling his hand away from his date and covering his mouth. 

Phil pretends to be confused. “What?”

Dan shakes his head. “Nothing--Glad you were too.”

“I guess we were both virgins, huh?”

Dan bursts out laughing.

For a moment and a half, they stay like that, laughing.

 

00:00:45

 

“I hope we get together longer next time.” Phil says, inching closer to Dan.

“Yeah,” a pause, “me too.”

They’re very close, almost touching. Dan can feel his heart pulsating. He tries not to notice his goosebumps and how Phil has them too. God, they’re close enough that Dan can see Phil’s gorgeous details. He’s breathing is shallow. Their noses touch. Phil’s lips slightly part and before Dan has a chance to imitate it, their Coaches beep, synchronized.

 

00:00:00

 

Phil’s the first one to pull away, leaning back with an expression that can only mark disappointment. 

He gives a small smile. “Bye, Dan.”

“Bye.” Dan nods.

He is left in front of an abandoned cabin, alone. His lips remained untouched, dissatisfied. He has a bittersweet feeling sinking on his chest. He bites his lips and looks away, grabbing Coach a bit too furiously.

24 hours is bullshit.

 

\--

 

“How do you know we didn’t connect?”

Coach beeps. “What do you mean?”

“Like--how do I know he’s not my soulmate?”

“Everything happens for a reason. Your soulmate will be chosen on your p--”

“Pairing day, I know.It’s a 99.8% match. Just, why didn’t we stay together longer than just a day?”

Coach gives its standard answer for the 5th time. “Everything happens for a reason.”

 

\--

 

Dan has another date, days after his relationship with Phil. When Coach told him, he tried not to get angry and actually succeeded. He stayed calm for most of the day.

Not right now though, since he’s late already.

He mutters a little “Fuck.” before entering the restaurant, not caring for the pretty fairy lights and golden decor. He’s light on his feet, bouncing from one spot to another. He says his booth number so that he doesn’t forget. His heart sinks when he sees his date already eating.

“I’m so sorry I’m--”

“Late. Yeah, I noticed.” 

His date has fiery red hair with a fringe as long as his. She gives him an earned frown. She stares at him, unimpressed and obviously annoyed. Not an inviting way to tell someone to sit down but Dan still does anyways, watching her roll her eyes and make him more uncomfortable than he already is.

“So sorry again. I was changing into my finest suit.” Dan forces a smile through his lie. This is the blandest suit he owned.

“That’s your finest suit? It looks terrible.”

Very true but still quite rude.

Dan takes notice on her meal. “You started without me?”

She glares at him as if that’s the only look she gives. “Well, you’re late, aren’t you?”

Dan nods meekly and his food is served soon after.

They eat in silence. Dan tries to make conversation but he’s met with a handful of mean looks. He doesn’t even know her name yet.

“Emma.” She says.

Dan nods.

“We should check the expiry date, don’t you think?”

Dan can only agree. They already despise each other. When they pressed it, they’re already met with a sinking feeling of torture and disgust. Mostly on Emma’s part since Dan catches a glimpse of her vomiting in her mouth. He doesn’t talk about it.

 

365 days

 

Dan doesn’t even blame her. 

 

_ iii.  _ _ So you run down to the safety of the town. But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle. _

 

00:00:05

 

“Goodbye, Phil. It’s been fun!” 

 

\--

  
  


Phil got a long term relationship a little after his first date. The guy’s name was Charlie. He was nice at first, smiled cutely. Phil developed a tiny crush on him for their first few weeks together. 

But they didn’t connect.

Yeah, they had sex. Yeah, they kissed. That’s all they did, that was the peak of their relationship. They didn’t love each other, they were polite. They could’ve been friends, Phil thinks of that often.

Nine months of empty kisses and vain sex.

When they broke up, Phil was relieved. They spent all those months together but they were still strangers. Everytime Phil gets a new date, he doesn’t know them.

He hates the past few months worst.

36 hours. That number is burned in the back of his mind. It might not seem short, but all the System is doing is forcing him to love some stranger and then forcing him to leave them. Maybe it’s his fault, for not talking to them that much. Maybe it’s their fault for not being interesting enough.

Same with Tom, the guy smiling beside him.

When his Coach hit zero, he nods to him and walks away immediately. He hates that all he’s been doing are one night stands, nothing long or real. He keeps asking Coach when his pairing day will be because he just wants this to be over.

365 days of mindlessly wandering to people he can’t care about. 

He sighs when he hears Coach beep immediately after. 

 

Phil approached the table expecting someone new. He doesn’t get his hopes up, not an inch higher than established. He’s bored and tired. It’s just gonna be another stranger and all they’re gonna do is have sex.

Except, for the first time, he’s wrong. For the first time, he knows the person, cared for him. 

For the second time, it’s Dan.

Phil smiles immediately, plucking out all the doubts and sadness out of him. “No way.”

Dan notices him in a flash, too. His once rested and (honestly) bored face lit up, split into a smile. He stands up from his seat and extends his arms out. Phil happily accepts, resting his chin on Dan’s shoulder, listening to him whisper “Hello, you.” 

“Is this right?” Phil says, in actual disbelief, as they sit down.

“Coach, are we at the right table?” Dan asks. His Coach replies in agreement.

Phil grabs his Coach before Dan interrupts him. “Can we not check the expiry date?”

Phil looks at Dan, confused. “Why not?”

“I just--I’ve been through a bad relationship for a year. It was with someone who I don’t even like. I really like you and maybe not checking the expiry will make us last longer. Do you get what I’m saying?”

Phil nods. “Yeah, I mean, I’ve been bouncing from bloke to bloke. It’s tiring to not have someone for a while.”

Dan smiles. “Yeah.”

 

-

 

Dan and Phil lie silently on their bed, a white blanket covering both of them. Dan’s resting his head on Phil’s chest, Phil’s arm wrapped around him. He drums his fingers on Phil’s bare stomach, smiling.

“That was nice.” Dan whispers. 

Phil smiles. “It was.”

 

-

 

They haven’t expired yet. It’s been months.

Phil finds himself in places he didn’t know existed. Dan sits in a grocery cart in an abandoned shopping center. They’re laughing but they don’t know why. 

It’s cold.

“You should wear your glasses more often.” Dan giggles, taking Phil’s specs from his face, fingertips barely touching his cheeks. 

“Well, you should stop ironing your hair.”

Dan wears his glasses and giggles a little more. “How do I look?”

“Handsome,” Phil replies, taking them back.

“Shut up.”

Phil puts his hand in his coat, gripping Coach, hoping it doesn’t beep.

Phil kneels beside the cart, Dan looking at him. They’re smiling, they’re real.

They kiss. Dan’s warm.

 

-

 

When they first say ‘I love you’ to each other, they’re in the bathtub. They’re five months in, their Coaches haven’t said a word. 

Phil rests his head on his end of the bathtub, looking at Dan’s hair. It’s curly, Phil really likes it that way. Phil also likes the fact that his fringe looks like a skating ramp. His laugh echoes around their bathroom.

Dan leans into the middle, getting a handful of bubbles and wiping it in Phil’s hair. They played with each other’s hair often. 

“Hey!” Phil protests, splashing the water at Dan’s face.

They kiss. And kiss. And when they were done making out, Dan pulls away, smiling. The crinkles around his eyes make him glow. Phil is the first one to say it. His voice is hoarse, his breathing is deep. He isn’t smiling, but his eyes gleamed. 

“I love you.” He says, putting his hand on Dan’s cheek, caressing it with his thumb.

Dan’s eyes soften. He puts his hand over Phil’s. “I love you too.”

Before Phil could say anything else, Dan stands up, saying it’s his turn to make dinner. He kisses Phil’s forehead and leaves after putting a towel on. Phil can’t help but grin, though, it disappears when he notices his Coach on the sink. 

He squeezes his eyes shut and puts his head below water, hopeful to drown out his curious thoughts.

 

-

 

9 months in.

“Here’s a theory,” Phil starts, “The System is a sham. It picks random people at random times in a random sequence. They’re lying about being clever and reasonable. They just beat you down and give you another random stranger, saying that they’re ‘The One’. And you accept it because you so badly want it to be over.”

Dan looks up at him and Phil stops combing his hobbit hair for a second. “What?” He says.

Dan adjusts his head on Phil’s lap. “That’s the most cynical thing you’ve told me.”

Phil chuckles.

“You wanna hear my theory?” Dan asks.

He nods.

“It’s all just a stimulation.” Before Phil could laugh, Dan tries to reason. “Maybe it programmed us to feel sentient and have thoughts and feelings. Maybe the System is  _ tha _ t clever.”

“That’s why it has a 99.8% success rate.” Phil concludes.

Dan nods, looking proud. Phil pinches Dan’s nose. Dan flinches and sits upright.

“Ouch!”

“I think that’s proof.”

“I could have been programmed to do that.”

 

-

 

Phil tries to keep Coach away. He tries his best to keep his thoughts at bay, not wanting them to become his actions. He’s so tempted to check their expiry. So tempted to follow the rules of the System. 

He’s succeeding 10 months in their relationship. 

He’s quiet about these thoughts, not wanting to hurt Dan with the possibility of breaking a promise. The last thing he wants to do is hurt the person he really  _ fucking _ loves, but his brain is telling him to do it. 

It’s 1 am and he can’t silence his thoughts. Every part of him, every bone in his body is telling him to look, to secure their future, follow the rules. 

He get Coach from his night stand, looking at its black screen.

He gets out of bed.

 

  1. _Burn down the disco_



 

Dan wakes up unexpectedly. It’s still dark and cold. He can only make out the outline of their furniture. He tries to look around in his still position. He hears a soft voice say something in the kitchen. He puts his hand behind him, looking for Phil. When he can’t, his heart speeds up a little.

“Phil?” He calls out, not wanting to move another inch. 

Phil appears from the kitchen. He’s quick in walking but Dan doesn’t notice it. He goes back to bed and wraps his arm around Dan.

“Just got some water.” He reasons.

Dan nods, drifting back to sleep.

 

-

 

Phil’s acting weird today. He’s distant and always thinking. He doesn’t even talk that much during breakfast.

“Is there something wrong?” Dan asks while they’re watching TV. His stomach is churning from anxiety, even if he can’t think of anything that can make Phil distant.

Phil smiles at him, though Dan can see that it’s forced. “Everything’s fine.”

Dan wonders how many times Phil will tell him that lie.

 

They go to the abandoned shopping center again but Phil doesn’t budge. He’s kissing back, holding hands, and initiating conversations, but he isn’t there. Dan can’t feel him. 

 

They go to a mall instead. It’s a new one that opened up downtown. They get lunch.

“Are you sure everything’s fine?” Dan asks.

Phil just nods. Dan doesn’t believe him.

 

It’s when they get home does Phil tell him.

“I looked.”

Dan puts his coat on the door. He furrows his eyebrows, confused. He takes Phil’s hands.

“Looked at what?” Phil isn’t looking at him, he’s staring at the potted plant behind him. Dan notices that he’s crying.

“The expiry.”

And just like that, time slows down. Reality takes a standstill. Dan and Phil stand, stiff, a disaster wave dawning on their relationship. Dan can’t process anything after those two words. His mind is stuck on repeat. He finds it unbelievable that Phil would break their only deal.

“B-But you promised.”

“I know, I’m sorry.”

Dan’s Coach beeps. He gets it, gripping it so hard his hands are shaking. He’s crying. It takes him a second to realize it, but he’s at a loss for words, unable to voice out the dropping feeling he’s experiencing. He’s choking on his thoughts, his mind clogging up. Coach is starting to count down.

 

00:00:30

 

“What happened?” Those are the only two words Dan managed to choke out.

“I messed up--We were supposed to have 8 years--”

“8 years?” Dan says. “ _ 8 years! _ ” 

He can’t look at Phil. The man he once saw as the love of his life makes him sick. His breathing is heavy and deep. Everything’s blurry and detached. Phil has his hands on his shoulders and Dan is too messed up to shrug them off.

“I know, I’m sorry--”

“You broke our promise!” Dan’s voice is louder than he expected. He doesn’t care, Phil can go deaf for all he cares.

“I know.” Phil says. “I fucked up. I’m sorry. When I looked, it started recalibrating and we only had 20 hours left--”

“You ruined  _ us _ . You know that, right?”

 

00:00:10

 

Dan’s trembling.

“I’m so sorry,” Phil’s looking down, his hands on Dan’s face.

Their Coaches beep in synchronicity. It’s the end. Dan’s shaking with fury and grief and he’s feeling every emotion all at once. He puts Phil’s hands back to his side, gets his coat, and leaves their cabin. 

Phil appears out the door when he looks back.

“Don’t fucking follow me!”

And he doesn’t.

 

\--

 

For a whole month, Coach sets Dan up with rebounds. He only has 36 hours with his dates and he couldn’t care less. He’s worn down. He’s cynical.

He’s detached from himself. So fucking detached. He’s always just watching himself with other people, laughing along to their jokes. He’s not in his body, he’s just floating in the sky. He can’t hear or feel anything.

Maybe Phil was right. Maybe the System is breaking him--and succeeding.

 

\--

 

Coach beeps. “Congratulations, Daniel!”

Dan puts Coach in front of him. “What?”

“Your One has been selected. Your Pairing Day is tomorrow.”

“D-Do I know the One? Have I met them before?”

“Negative.”

_ Fuck. _

“Proceed to the Hub at 7pm tomorrow to meet them.”

 

  1. _On the Leeds side-streets that you slip down. Provincial towns you jog 'round._



 

Dan’s in his booth. He doesn’t know who his soulmate is. All he knows that it isn’t the person he wants.

He doesn’t care about his soulmate. All he cares about is Phil.

 

-

 

Phil stands in front of the Hub. He isn’t excited to meet his true love. He isn’t excited because he knows he met his soulmate. 

He gets Coach, the device he trusted _ everything  _ with.

He goes in, looking around. Suddenly his eyes are glued to a guy sitting lonely in a booth across the room.

 

-

 

Dan stands up.

Phil’s here.

 

-

 

Coach beeps. “Proceed to the right side of the room.”

Phil throws Coach to the side, not wanting to obey.

 

-

 

Dan runs to the center.

Everyone’s looking at them, glaring at their audacity to disobey the System.

 

-

 

Phil kisses Dan, aching for his warmth

Dan kisses back. 

“Fuck the System.” Phil mutters, out of breath.

Dan nods. “Fuck it all up.”

 

-

 

The restaurant is silent, but Dan and Phil don’t care. 

They run and nobody stops them, as if everyone but them is frozen in time.

Dan feels like this happened before, over and over again. The familiarity of the situation makes him feel safe.

They arrive at the wall, holding hands.

They climb it, even if they know there’s nothing out there.

 

-

 

Stimulation 998 finished.

1000 stimulations completed.

998 rebellions.

 

  1. _Hang the DJ._



 

Dan stares at the 99.8% match on his screen. He looks back at the person across his table.

“I’m Dan.”

The person smiles, letting his blue eyes sparkle. “Phil.”

**Author's Note:**

> i was very scared of posting this buuut yea :D i hope u liked it !! i appreciate comments/feedback <33


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